I was remembering the first time I bought an erotic ebook.
When I was “underage,” I would go the library or bookstore to read. I could never check out Delta of Venus and bring it home without my nosy mom poking around, so I would sit for hours with whatever lurid selection I could find. Even if my parents had been more open-minded, checking them out was just too embarrassing! Sometimes, I’d go to a used bookstore and buy a whole stack of science fiction, slipping in a steamy selection to hide among the plastic and rivets.
When I was a kid, I had so little privacy. Everything I did was under scrutiny — and this isn’t just the normal teenage paranoia; my mom’s a journalist and has the sterling trait of being incurably nosy. Unfortunately, I was a quiet, introspective type, and so she spent a lot of her energy trying to pry the shell of my brain apart because she was certain I was hiding something.
As a result, being private was ingrained, even after I got my own place and there was no one to judge me. While I’ve never been ashamed of what I like to read, I’ve never had a strong desire to talk about it, either. I was quick to become one of the many anonymous browsers of porn stories on newsgroups and BBSs (proof that the internet really is for porn. “Grab your dick and double click…”) I learned early on to clear my browsing caches and history.
I still felt weird about buying anything but erotica with “literary merit” in bookstores, even though I actually thought that my sex fiction habit made me cool. My sex story reading was pretty much limited to archives like ASSTR and related, sometimes the odd adult fanfiction piece.
But then, ebooks happened. I instantly saw the private reading potential, and shelled out $500 for an early internet tablet that could read PDFs. I thought, “I can buy whatever I want, and no one will know about it!” At the time, I was interested in M/M and F/F, and went to Torquere (I think) for some reading selections. I made my choices, got my credit card out, and…
I found that I was kind of shy.
What was the problem? I asked myself. No one would know, even though there was a slim possibility of some marketer renting Torquere’s mailing list (I should know, I am a marketer.) The lack of purchasing privacy actually didn’t bother me.
It was the act of purchasing itself that stopped me.
Business is more than the simple exchange of goods for money — it is a formal social transaction that means more. Buying something creates a bridge between you and the source, however distantly removed. For something like erotic books, buying is a committed action that says, “Yes, I really, truly am invested enough in this kind of material to engage in business for it.” It says something about you that you may not have fully realized.
When you’re browsing the internet, you can pretend it’s an accident that you ended up on one of those sites, whatever those sites may be. You’re anonymous, and it’s casual. “Hey, it was there, and it was free,” or “I was curious.” But buying goes beyond interest to committed action.
Are you shy about what you like?
I’ve met many women who feel weird about liking M/M in particular. Their responses range from helpless shrugs, to brash assertions of “two men are hot,” to rational discussions of subversion and gender roles, but most of the talk seem to contain a prickle of discomfort.
I don’t know where I’m going with this, exactly. I think this is one of those times where I put this out to the hive mind and see what comes back. Your thoughts?
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Great post, Kat! This discomfort you mention here “I’ve met many women who feel weird about liking M/M in particular. Their responses range from helpless shrugs, to brash assertions of “two men are hot,” to rational discussions of subversion and gender roles, but most of the talk seem to contain a prickle of discomfort. I think is finally starting to go away. There are so many women readers that seek out m/m and so much of it getting published nowadays that it’s becoming commonplace. But I know what you mean. I felt a little weird when I bought my first BDSM themed fiction. Soon, that’s going to become totally commonplace among erotica readers as well, I think!
Yes, exactly! BSDM was considered deviant by a lot of erotica readers, but now it’s just part of the general spectrum. My friend and I were talking about how M/M will probably be assimilated, as well. I know a lot of people get into both BSDM and M/M simply because they’re curious or the material is new…
But the thing is, I think it’s actually really important to know why you like what you like, if the question is important to you. Some people don’t care; they think, “Eh, why do I like ice cream or action movies? It’s just a matter of preference.” Those of us who have drunk the human science kool-aid, though, can’t let such matters rest. But that’s another subject for another post.
Good stuff, Kat. I do think we need to be careful about the edgy stuff becoming more commonplace. The mere fact there is something transgressive in our reading adds to the spice – at least it does for me. So I for one want to keep my ‘kind of shy’.
Melody x
Hey Melody. I don’t think the more edgy stuff *will* become more commonplace — people who read erotica are already uncommon, and the edgy stuff only appeals to certain kinds of people whose understanding of the world it reflects, if that makes sense.
Just like hard science fiction. By its very nature, it’s not going to be for everyone.
But do you feel weird or proud about your transgressive reading? Is it something you want people to know about you, or do you feel awkward about it?
It’s not something I broadcast. But it’s not something I’m ashamed of either. At the moment I’m keeping my erotic writing out of the arena where my professional writing appears but I expect that will change in time.
I guess I’m like most people – perfectly capable of entertaining completely contradictory feelings at the same moment. I rather like that. x