You’re not ashamed that you write sex stories, but you do keep it a secret. You know that things would get hairy if certain friends — and especially certain family members — found out, and you’d rather not deal with that. For now, you’re safe, but it’s a small world, especially on the internet. You may be discovered. The question is, what will you do when that happens?
You can’t afford not to be ready, even if it never happens. Writing well can be nearly impossible when you’re facing criticism and emotional manipulation from the people around you. If you’re not prepared, a few choice words can zing past your defenses and cripple your creative drive for years, if not for ever. It’s happened to more than a few great artists. You owe it to yourself and your readers to power up your shields so that you can continue to produce, even when the most important people in your life are trying to bring you down.
All artists, not just those of us in adult entertainment, have problems with negative influences. Stating any kind of creative goal, producing any kind of creative output, makes you a target for criticism, jealousy, envy, and creative sabotage. Adult writers are no different from any other kind of writers, but they are often more vulnerable because of the nature of their subject. The truth is: people are touchy about sex, especially Americans. Even many erotic writers are still sensitive about it, but their desire for expression overcomes their shyness.
There is nothing to be ashamed of. The vulnerability comes from you; it comes from your doubts and your fear of being judged personally based on writing about a “morally questionable” subject. But what’s so questionable about it? You aren’t selling drugs, you aren’t killing people. With your stories, you are easing people’s boredom and loneliness, and helping them express their sexuality in a safe way.
Yet, some people will judge you. Some, especially uptight parents, will think that what you do reflects poorly on them, as though they are tainted by association. Some will think that you are sexually deviant in real life, though the reality is that most of us are pretty vanilla. Even though these reactions are completely illogical, you will not be able to prevent them. As a writer, you already know: it’s just the way people are.
The best defense is to get clear on your values and purpose as an adult entertainer. Really hammer out why you write erotic fiction, and why you know it is a worthy undertaking. Write a concise summary of your reasons, a kind of mission statement. For example, my own is: “To write (and teach others to write) imaginative stories that encompass the full adult experience, including sexuality and sexual expression, so that my audience may be entertained and live more vividly through my work.”
When you do this, your mental place of operation becomes a fortress built into solid ground. You are able to withstand any attacks, even the worst case scenario. When you are clear on your values and purpose, mentally rehearse what could happen with every important person who could make trouble, and use your mission statement to fortify yourself.
Your goal is not to convince other people of the validity of what you do; that will not happen. People will think whatever they want, and you never have control over that. No, your goal is to neutralize your own feelings of defensiveness, fear, guilt, shame, and self-consciousness, to minimize the emotional stress so that you don’t have to devote any energy to it. You will just keep writing and serving your audience because you are so steadfast in your purpose that it doesn’t matter what people think. You know that you are doing the right thing for you.
If you have some popularity and success, there is also a good chance that you will want to reveal yourself. It is very hard not to talk about your writing if it is a significant part of your life. Writers are lone creatures, but people are social; even the most introverted of us needs to get live feedback, to bounce around ideas, even if it’s just with people in line at Starbucks. It’s immensely freeing to be able to do that without worrying that word will get around.
Whether you are discovered or you decide to reveal your secret, there are payoffs, once the storm blows over. You don’t have to apologize or hide what you do. You may lose friends (especially if you use them in your stories) but you will also gain some. You will be able to meet with other people in the field by openly attending adult writers’ workshops and critique groups. And perhaps best of all, you will write better than ever because your are clear and shame-free about your purpose as a serious adult entertainer.
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